Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes
LA’s #1 avant-garde personal development program. I'm Emerson Dameron. I love you, personally. Levity saves lives.
The home of Ask a Sadist, Bite-Sized Erotic Thrillers, and the First Church of the Satanic Buddha. Levity saves lives.
Regularly scheduled episodes premiere on the first Wednesday of the month on KCHUNG Los Angeles.
Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes
Happy Birthday to Me
June 16 is Bloomsday, sometimes Father's Day, and always the anniversary of the date of my birth, which makes it the holiest day on my calendar.
I invite you to celebrate it with me, my honored guests, and some colorful characters we'll meet together in our peripatetic wanderings.
Happy birthday to me.
Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes is a production of KCHUNG. Music by Chris Rogers. Written, performed, produced, and created by Emerson Dameron, who is solely responsible for its content.
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Emerson Dameron's Sophistication Nation - April 4th - All major music-delivery platforms
It's OUT! Sophistication Nation: Brief Interviews with Women I Pretend to Understand: https://emersondameron.hearnow.com/sophistication-nation
You're listening to K-Chung Los Angeles 1630 AM If you're in the Chinatown downtown area of LA. Worldwide. On the World Wide Web at kchungradioorg, this is Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes Dedicated site for this show is medicated-minutescom. The music is by Chris Rogers. Everything else is by me. I am the host, writer, producer, director. Talent for Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes.
Speaker 1:Levity saves lives and it is June and that's my birthday month, so I will be celebrating on tonight's show what for me is the holiest day on the calendar Friday morning many years ago in Marion, North Carolina, I came into this world Via C-section. I was upside down in my mother's womb. Standard birthing procedure put both of us at an unacceptable risk, so she was cut open and I was dragged out, no doubt screaming, which has continued off and on ever since. This is the day when I revel in the gratitude that I have for the life that I've built for myself and all of the true players that are in my corner, people that have shown integrity and continuity over the years, mutual support, people who have helped me that I have been able to help, reciprocal relationships where trust is given and earned. And we've changed a lot. Obviously, physically, I think all of my cells are different from what was there seven years ago. That could be apocryphal that I have heard people say that it's kind of a fun thing to believe, so I'm wishing myself a happy birthday because it is the holiest day on the calendar.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's also Bloomsday, which is the day on which the action takes place in the freewheeling novel Ulysses by the Irish author James Joyce. I've heard a story that as Joyce was banging out Ulysses in his office, he was giggling and cackling the whole time. That's another thing I choose to believe because I find it delightful, so I'm celebrating myself today. Some of the show is going to be abstract, open to varying interpretations. I hope you have some fun with it and I hope that you honor yourself. If we have the same birthday, so there's a lot going on, a lot of different energy circulating. If we have the same birthday, so there's a lot going on, a lot of different energy circulating. On June 16th, sometimes it's Father's Day.
Speaker 1:That's happened a couple of times that I recall in my life, and there are a lot of other things going on.
Speaker 2:On June 16th, with a lot of different people, I hope that you'll keep me in your heart, as I keep you in mine.
Speaker 1:This is Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes on KCHUNG kchungradioorg. Medicated-minutescom. Levity saves lives, welcome, welcome. We are celebrating my birthday this evening and it is a great honor and a privilege for me to recognize that I am not doing that alone. There are many honored guests in the place to be.
Speaker 1:I know some of you are true players. Some of you are here because you want to be here. There's very little that can change. That would change that, because we've got it like that. You got my back, I got yours. We're people and that's how it is.
Speaker 1:Others, I know, have significant ulterior motives, and that's okay. I would rather have people pretend to like me than not pretend. You know, honestly, just hate me. Just go ahead and hate me. I'm taking out the garbage. I'm gonna call some of you out.
Speaker 1:There's the entrepreneur, the impresario, the rich kid who was always told he was special and has managed to prove that by just gloriously botching so many opportunities for himself and for others. It's always depressing when somebody tries to be a sociopath, tries to become a pariah, in the belief that it's better to be feared than loved, and just keeps landing right in the middle of mediocrity, and not in a harmless way, a way that punishes people who trusted you, tries to bring us all down to your level, and then, when somebody sees who you really are and you can't hide from that person anymore, you're busted. You of course, convince yourself that you're doing the right thing and avenging an injustice, and that's how you rationalize, trying to neutralize that person and keep them from talking smack about you, because you're always doing damage control on your worthless reputation, and that's not surprising anymore, but still somehow disappointing when it keeps happening again and again. Your weaknesses and perversions are honestly fine. If you just sat in who you are and presented yourself honestly, things would probably go well. That's never enough, of course, and you want status and prestige and unearned privilege, and you are not able to get past your own entitlement to develop yourself in a way that would open up those things for you. You'll never feel successful, no matter what. So you think that by sabotaging other people's success, you'll create some new supply of success that you yourself can then tap into, or that at least you'll look better. By contrast, everyone's on to you. Everyone's been on to you for a while. You know that it's time to acknowledge it. I'm tired of just grieving the lost opportunities that came from my association with you. We also have here the overachiever. We also have here the overachiever.
Speaker 1:This person who definitely has it together a lot more than the failed entrepreneur and impresario, knows herself well enough to not crave attention. She doesn't want to be famous, she doesn't want to be an influencer and doesn't really need the exposure, because there are people that she does not want to summon back into her life. And that's all good, and she has very high standards for herself, which is also not unhealthy. But when she fails to meet those standards, it damages her capacity to forgive other people for not meeting her standards.
Speaker 1:The way she feels about herself is the way that she feels about you, because you are an extension of her. You are a puppet that only exists in the theater of her mind, and sometimes that's for her entertainment and other times it's for catharsis. If you hang around long enough, she will let herself down. She will see that you saw her letting herself down and you will then become a punching bag for all the ways that you inevitably let her down. And if you're also letting yourself down, it might take you a while to even notice. You might think she's just being honest, but that's not something the overachiever does, if you start digging a little bit under the surface of the story that you and everyone else gets from the overachiever.
Speaker 1:You will quickly find a sewer and you'll find that it's seemingly bottomless. The reality of the overachiever's existence goes as far in the opposite direction as the story that she tells you and herself and the rest of us goes in that direction.
Speaker 1:You will become a punching bag, and it'll be particularly bad when she's drunk because she gets vicious. You didn't notice it quite as much when you were drunk yourself, but she will make sure that you notice it now. And if you have low self-esteem and agree with the abuse or you think that it's your job to be there for the overachiever and try to fix things, that game could go on indefinitely. Showing her how much you're suffering only makes it worse. There is really nothing you can do to help yourself out of there except to fully disengage. Any sort of residual loyalty that you display to the overachiever will serve as a justification, and she's good at this. She'll drag you right back to where you started. Don't take it personally. It happens to friends, coworkers. Her entire family has been through this over and over again. The only thing you can do is to GTFO or tell her to do it, which is scary. You were expecting some kind of retaliation, but I see right now that she is leaving the building.
Speaker 1:I also see that the scene star is leaving the building as well, and that's not unexpected. I know he's got somewhere better to be. He's got many different scenes simultaneously that he is dominating. People come in and out of his life because people are needy and people are flawed and he's only got so much room in his life. Once you're out, you're gone and it looks like he's peacing out as well. Go and flick someone else with your anger, you pretentious name-dropping little piece of garbage. And that brings us to my biggest fan dropping little piece of garbage. And that brings us to my biggest fan, who will never leave, no matter how much I try to let him know that he's not welcome here.
Speaker 1:Obviously, if somebody sucks up to me that much, I am initially gonna feel some gratitude and perhaps a sense of affinity, as we have enough in common that I was the host that you singled out. But every time I hear from you, I lose a little bit more patience. I hear the way that you talk about other people when they're not around, and I know that that's the way you talk about me when I'm not around. I know that because it gets back to me. Everything you say gets back to me Because nobody likes you. They love stabbing you in the back, because that's what you deserve. You never created anything valuable of your own. You don't see the point. You're bored by personal growth. You hate challenges. Those are the things that you, when you experience those, that's when you can put out a desperate cry for help and find someone more capable to cling to. That's what life is all about for you.
Speaker 1:So I know everything you've said. I've seen enough of your work to not be intimidated. I know that you're listening, because you comb through everything that I do, finding ideas to steal. Does that bother me? Not really. There's always more where that came from. You have no taste, so the ideas that you single out for thievery are probably not ones that I'm ever gonna miss.
Speaker 1:And you probably think that I'm talking about you because you're very important. Who else would I be talking about? And You're very important, who else would I be talking about? And I know you're already writing your little suck-up email in your head. I'm asking you to spare me, hoping that you do, knowing that you won't, and I'm not going to say your name, and that's the last nice thing I'm going to do for you. I'm not going to respond to any more of your communiques, which I know is going to be a hassle, because it's going to get nasty when you figure out that I'm not going to humor this anymore. If you want to do me a favor. Just fall off like the bloated, parasitical tick that you are. Oh, and also happy birthday to me, my honored guests, let us feast.
Speaker 1:You're going down. Everything you feared has come to pass. You're going to die. You knew that, of course, but it's going to happen a lot sooner than you thought and you're going to suffer a lot. First, your reputation is ruined, your fake friends have turned on you, your real friends are also disgusted with you and you have a lot of new enemies. You failed because you're a failure. You probably should have seen that coming, Isn't it cool? It's a relief. Right Now you can finally relax. Relax.
Speaker 1:You're on K-Chung, los Angeles. This is Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes, and I think that it is high time maybe too late, hopefully not definitely time for me to apologize for everything I've ever done. I don't always like who I am. There are so many times when I did the wrong thing, operated from a place of weakness, tried to inflict my pain on others as if that would somehow make it go away, lessen the suffering. Of course, it only exacerbated the suffering. Anyone else could have seen that coming. I was in a place of generally anger. I was chronically lonely.
Speaker 1:As a child I was used as an emotional punching bag by a number of people who I still got some beef with them, but their problems are not your problems and I've tried to inflict those problems on you and I am sorry. I'm genuinely sorry. I'm genuinely sorry. I offer amends, whatever you need to feel safe and loved and complete. Please let me know. There are so many ways that I screwed up and let you down, let myself down, made things a little bit grimmer in a world that does not need that and won't anytime soon, and I'm sorry. I was so selfish when I was young, entirely self-centered, no consideration or compassion for anyone else. My gratification and my base level animal needs were all I was concerned about, and I humiliated myself in so many different ways. It was so obvious what a weak, self-interested coward.
Speaker 1:I was, and I just let that hang out for the world to see and I'm sorry you had to experience that. I'm sorry that I made things a little worse. I'm sorry that I made so many demands and depended on you for so many things that I could have easily taken care of myself if I just had the strength and strength of character and commitment to my professed ideals of self-reliance. If I was who I like to think I am, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble. I failed to provide for myself. I would not make my own money, earn my keep, bring value to the table. I just assumed everything was going to be handed to me and I didn't even think about it and I thought my feelings were so important. All that mattered was expressing myself. Expressing yourself is something you earn the right to do. In order to earn the right to express yourself, develop a self that's worthy of expression, that brings strength and light and peace to the world Through its expression. I did not do that.
Speaker 1:I wanted the prize without winning the contest and I brought us all down and I brought no value. I was a value taker when I was young. I'm sorry, I'm ashamed. I don't think that helps. I don't think you should care. I do want you to know that I recognize and that I know I was a drain on society, that I discredited all of the people and projects and causes that I tried to get involved with just brought everybody down. I am sorry. I am sorry. I'm sorry that I chose not to take proper care of myself and my own affairs. I'm sorry for the opportunities that you missed out on because you were helping me, because you're a good person with a good heart and I only recognize that enough to take advantage of it. There was no real appreciation, no gratitude. I did not learn from seeing your goodness.
Speaker 1:I was not truly open and I'm really sorry, and I understand why you were angry. I assume that you are angry still. If there's anything I can do to help you feel safe and strong and complete, please let me know Now. I've still got a lot of work to do, but I might be in more of a position to help you. I was not in that position before because I could not accept the inherent responsibility that came from the place in the social contract that I thought I was entitled to. I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't regulate my emotions, I could not structure my days. I wanted freedom, but you were thoughtful enough not to give it to me, because what the hell would I have even done with it? I'm sorry for Soiling myself and not even being able to get it together enough to take care of that. You had to do it for me.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry for All of the money that you Gave me and spent on me. It just went to waste and sinnery. With no gratitude Just the spite of a parasite who knows that he's weak. He knows that he's really good, and that's what I was when I was younger, and I like to think that I started to turn things around, at least as I became a teenager and started to develop more self-sufficiency, out of necessity, as the other issues in your life took precedence over mine, as they should.
Speaker 1:But, early on, definitely up until I was 10, maybe even as much as a decade after that I was not taking care of myself. I was not honoring you and your sacrifice. I just want you to know I'm sorry I humiliated myself. I think I got what I deserve, but I'm sorry how that reflected badly on you. You just had to experience secondhand shame just by being around me. I'm really sorry. I was a mess when I was two.
Speaker 1:If I had it to do again. I would probably do it the same, but I want to do it differently. Now. The coffee king can be found at least three mornings a week, sometimes four, in the coffee shop. He is there but he does not hold court. But he does not hold court. That is not the value proposition that is on offer from the coffee king. If you hang out and stay talking, try to get chatty. He will move things along and keep them moving. If he doesn't feel like talking at all, you will know. If you do and he doesn't, he will not humor you. What he can do is give you a good pour-over coffee, the way that it's supposed to be done, and you would think that that's not that big a deal, but it is. It's vanishingly rare and he would know. He currently works at three different coffee shops. He's close to walking out of one of them because it's all little kids that work there now and they do crappy pour-overs and he's offered to show them the proper way to do it and they've said no, they just like hang it out, and maybe that's the kind of culture that those managers want to foster.
Speaker 1:The coffee king is needed elsewhere. The people who cherish a good pour-over and want may need it done the way that it's meant to be done. Know where the coffee king is. They know where to find him. He's not hard to find. If you go there enough when he's working, you may find your way into his seemingly impregnable heart. Sometimes heart, sometimes a skeptical view of the world is what you need. That's what he's got. He will shoot down things that you present as facts that are not in fact true but rather gleaned by you from the University of Google. He'll let you know, he'll call you out and if you honor that and show humility and gratitude, you may end up chatting about some of the things that you have in common. The Coffee King has a lot in common with a lot of people. He's traveled extensively, lived in many places, lived many lives and picked up a lot of knowledge along the way. If your knowledge happens to cross into the realms of his interest, you could start by sharing some complaints which can be cathartic. A lot of our conversations Commiseration. If that goes well and reveals some common interests or some experiences that he finds relatable, he might even buy your coffee Only on Fridays and if you want it, you can smell it, and it's not going to happen. So don't want it and you might get it.
Speaker 1:His colleague is a young barista not as young as she was, none of us are who got into coffee of a limerent crush that she experienced many years ago on a fellow who was very into coffee. She learned all about it, drank a lot of it, found that she loved the exuberance and effusiveness that came with that and she drinks a lot of coffee. She drinks a lot of coffee every day. She has for years but still gets a rush. That guy is long gone but as a result of trying to impress someone with whom she was infatuated for a time, she got really good at making coffee and learned a lot about it and got into the culture and got a job at a coffee shop and found that it was a place to meet a lot of new, interesting people, which was a wonderful distraction from the crush. That she could tell from the beginning definitely as time went on, was not gonna work out as she'd hoped. She loves coffee, she loves people and this is both in one place at overlapping times of unrequited love, because now she's offering her skill and knowledge and experience in a field that she loves and people are appreciative of that in all kinds of different ways, because there are all kinds of different ways to be appreciative and show appreciation. And If you can find that thing to offer the world and receive appreciation in return, you won't get as stuck on not getting exactly the kind of appreciation from exactly the source that you'd hoped. It may still happen once in a while, but you'll know that that's not the only way.
Speaker 1:The lord of the dance does not patronize the coffee shop. He doesn't need to. Much like Salvador Dali, he is the drug and he's high on himself from the moment he wakes up until the moment he passes out from exhaustion, from dancing all day long, all day long. He came here from somewhere back east, somewhere cold, somewhere humorless, and he was out one night. It was cold and in order to warm himself up, to keep the blood flowing, he started skipping down the street, just prancing, twirling, discovered a love of dance that probably went back to his earliest days as a small child, but he not felt this galvanized, this full of the spirit of the dance. As an adult did he keep himself warm.
Speaker 1:He discovered what he wanted to do with his life and as that epiphany broke, he heard a voice yelling at him. It was the voice of a police officer who demanded to know why he was skipping. He said to stay warm. That was the initial inspiration that led him to skip. But there's so much more to the story at this point. But he knew that this uniformed person was not in a place to understand that. So he said just trying to keep warm, officer. The officer replied Stop skipping. And he knew immediately that it was time to dance his way right out of that town.
Speaker 1:It took a while, but he found himself on Venice Beach, part of the city of Los Angeles, california, and this is where he stays and does most of his dancing. He feels most alive during the ecstatic Dance LA silent dance parties on Sunday evenings. There's a whole rest of the week outside of that and much of that he spends skipping, prancing and twirling his way down oceanfront walk. Every now and then somebody waves, smiles and says I love you, man, you're the king of ecstatic dance. He hears it, he's grateful for it, remains in his own world, where his power resides, that engine that keeps him dancing and prancing and twirling and skipping through this neighboring world that we share. He certainly skipped past the sisters, but they haven't acknowledged him. They must know who he is, but they are part of his dancing world and he doesn't know their whole story. Most people don't. He doesn't know their whole story. Most people don't.
Speaker 1:There are two dramatically, different versions of that story, depending on which sister you ask. One of them lives here, Shares a condo with her boyfriend. They own a large dog. Relationship seems to be pretty solid. Things have been good the last couple of years after a rough patch. Sometimes her sister crashes on the couch when she's in town for work. She's in a lot of different towns for a lot of different work and they take strolls on Oceanfront Walk as a premeditated bonding experience in an attempt to thaw out some of the ice that froze up between them a long time ago. There are different accounts of why and how that happened. They generally keep it light. Oceanfront Walk is a stimulating place with lots of things going on to discuss, which keeps the conversation flowing. The conversation flowing, and the sister who lives here has developed a set of skills that allow her to divert the conversation from topics that she knows are going to be troublesome.
Speaker 1:One morning her sister woke up very early. She was alone. There were sleeping bodies in the house but no conscious companionship to be had. So she took her first walk on Oceanfront Walk solo. She stopped in the coffee shop and had a nice chuckle with the barista. They laughed at things that it was hard to explain why they were funny, but they were in context. It was like an instant set of inside jokes.
Speaker 1:Nice moment of connection, something she often longed for in LA. It did not always seem easily forthcoming. She got a pretty good pour over in a to-go cup with a jacket and a lid. She walked past a group of tough-looking people with tattoos and rugged appearance. Rugged appearance that seemed to be part of some club that banded together for mutual protection. They had default scowls on their faces, developed from years of wanting to be left alone, the belief that nothing good could come from talking to the kind of strangers that want to talk to you, talking to the kind of strangers that want to talk to you. She made eye contact with one and he immediately smiled and softened up and it was as though she could feel the man's heart opening On impulse and craving human companionship. She introduced herself and quickly surmised that this was an AA meeting, a group of tough people who found a place where they didn't need to be tough and could therefore be tougher together. She didn't identify as an addict at the time. She come to understand one of her three significant demons later on, after doing some research, as a process addiction, and she didn't hang out for very long. It was mostly a quick exchange of pleasantries in a spirit of conviviality, but it would turn out to be an important experience that she would think about a lot. That led to a breaking point in her life that occurred during one of her then-future visits to Los Angeles.
Speaker 1:Thank you. You've been listening to Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes on KChung KChungRadioorg 1630 AM Terrestrial in the Chinatown downtown area of Los Angeles, worldwide on the World Wide Web KChungRadioorg Site for the show medicated-minutescom. I am Emerson Dameron. I've been your host. I did everything except for the music which is by Chris Rogers. I hope that this has been gratifying. I've gotten some things off of my chest. I feel like catharsis was achieved for me hopefully for you as well. Took out some of the garbage, took a wander around the neighborhood. Thank you for accompanying me on that and thank you for being there.
Speaker 1:You know I've been lonely much of my life. I'm an introvert in my hardwiring. I need alone time to recharge and I tend to overdose on loneliness. There are things in my life that I have overdone, and self-isolating is one of them. I've been doing important personal growth work to make peace with my past and understand some of the early experiences and the core issues and challenges that influence the way that I act, as part of a program of taking responsibility for myself and my life and how I am in the world, because how you treat other people is who you are. There is no special self underneath that that nobody else can see. That is your own insanity talking. It's an illusion. What's real is the relationships that you cultivate with others, with others. I'm working on getting better at that.
Speaker 1:Not everyone's gonna be a candidate. I had to set some boundaries. I've had to make some calls between hell yes or no. There are things that were. There are things that were lukewarm or tentative yeses that were not hell yeses, and I had to say no to some of those things. Turn down some opportunities that don't suit me. I don't suit those functions and roles. We would just be wasting each other's time and I'm happy to part friends.
Speaker 1:If it's the end of the road, let's say goodbye. No one can ever say we didn't try, but I hope there's more. I like you, I really do. I hope that that's mutual. I know there was a moment of fleeting eye contact and a smile exchanged between us. That meant a lot more to me than you would probably guess. I'm a little ashamed to admit how much I've treasured that over the years. But thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm sorry, please forgive me and thank you. I love you, and levity saves lives. On Emerson Dameron's Medicaid in Minutes. A production of K-Chung, los Angeles. K-chung Radio, dot O-R-G 1630 AM. Medicaid in dash minutes, dot com. Happy birthday to me.
Speaker 1:Take a beat, breathe into the experience of being here and ask yourself what am I so afraid of? Maybe you're afraid of missing some essential life experience. You're afraid you already have, or that it doesn't matter because nothing does. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe you're just a regular nerves McGee. Or maybe you're afraid of your own glorious cataclysmic power, the riotous multitude you contain. You are smart enough to know how nearly infinitely ignorant you are. But you're not too smart to be hot, and you may already be a Satanic Buddhist. Nothing is good or bad in isolation, only in context. The Buddha and the Beastmaster are a good team. This, right here, is all you get. Life is for living up down across, diagonally, sideways, because nothing matters. You may already be a satanic Buddhist.
