[BONUS] Meet Your Cynical Life Coach: Advice on Confidence, Leadership, Romance, Mindset, and More

The Cynical Life Coach is uncouth, unbuttoned, and untrammeled, and he has no reason to lie to you. And you have no reason not to listen to him unless you want to keep living in mortal fear of your own pleasure and power.

People have told you life is not about winning or losing. These people are, to a one, lying cowards, each with a strong incentive to trick you into continuing to lose. 

Get the straight-no-chaser #lifeadvice your parents, your bosses, your insecurely attached lovers, and the rest of your mortal enemies don’t want you to know. 

The Cynical Life Coach is a recurring fixture on LA’s number-one avant-garde personal development program Emerson Dameron’s Medicated Minutes.

http://cynicallifecoach.com/

For more of this stuff, follow Emerson Dameron on Instagram and YouTube, and subscribe to Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes.

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:15 Get unbreakable, unbeatable, indefatigable confidence
• 1:13 Keep your sex life casual, and if you catch feelings, release them
• 2:13 Learn why you should tell people what to do — and how you should do it
• 3:13 Control your emotions to crush your neediness and get the upper hand in your relationships
• 3:58 If you’re *still* starving for love, do this immediately…
• 4:53 Hear the startling truth about why most people leave you feeling manipulated and drained
• 5:58 Dominate people in the way they most crave... even when you don't feel like it!
• 6:53 A one-step solution for chronic sex-deprivation so simple, you’ll be astounded you didn’t think of it yourself
• 7:53 Heal your shame by embracing your worst qualities
• 8:53 Be careful what you wish for (if you're a moralist)
• 9:52 Get these pathetic time-wasters off your tail and see how much your life improves more or less immediately
• 10:08 Get excited about your fascinating, symphonic, multi-faceted self
• 11:07 Galvanizing, patriotic advice for graduating seniors
• 12:07 Find out why Emerson Dameron’s Medicated Minutes is LA’s number-one avant-garde personal development program

Transcript

Meet Your Cynical Life Coach: Advice on Confidence, Leadership, Romance, Mindset, and More

A special bonus episode of Emerson Dameron’s Medicated Minutes

Written, performed, and produced by Emerson Dameron

(00:00): Intro

Welcome to your brief, abridged introduction to the wit, wisdom, and worldview of the Cynical Life Coach, a recurring fixture on LA’s number-one avant-garde personal development program. Emerson Dameron’s Medicated Minutes. Medicated-Minutes.Com.

(00:15): Rock-Solid Blockhead Confidence

Your problem is that you know you are mortal, you’re not good at everything, you’re not bulletproof.

What you need is the intelligence of someone smart enough to be here and smart enough to take my advice and the confidence of an absolute moron.

It interferes with radio signals. It brings planes out of the sky. That completely self-destructive, sizzling, sexy confidence that you can only get through cultivating it over time and relegating it to a persona, which you want to keep separate.

Do not let this persona run for president. Absolutely do not let it run for treasurer. Keep an eye on it, ’cause everything else is just gonna happen as soon as you stop caring.

What you wanna remember about this confidence is that it is first, last, and always fake. It is based on bupkis. And the reason for that is that nobody can take that away from you.

Talk some nonsense into yourself. You’re making too much sense. Stop doing that.

(01:13): Keep It Smart, Safe, Sexy, and Casual

When you embrace a lifestyle of casual sex, the minotaur the labyrinth is the love jones: catching feelings. Here’s how to keep it smart, safe, sexy and casual.

Maintain emotional distance. This is exactly what meditation is for. Protect your heart,

Prioritize friendship. Lance the romance before it gets swollen and infected.

Limit intimate moments. It’s about pounding it out, not crying it out.

Avoid idealization. No one belongs on a pedestal. It’s dehumanizing and they don’t deserve it.

Set boundaries and communicate in the language that person understands. That would be the love language of Spicy Five-Alarm Dirty Talk.

Explore other relationships. Get involved in different activities with different people.  Get really deeply involved with certain people who don’t know each other.

You can keep it casual. It is possible and you know, if feelings are caught, you can release them, thanks to our sponsor. Meditation. Meditation kills feelings dead.

(02:14): Everybody Wins

Most people are tragically lazy. They’re not strategic, they’re not in the arena, they’re not in the moment, they’re not even really here.

They’re aspiring manipulators, but they don’t have that razzle-dazzle factor.

In most of your interactions, you should set the terms and the parameters and dominate the hell out of your interlocutors.

Don’t be a fool. Know the context. Use your alleycat awareness and ask yourself, does this person know what they’re doing? The answer is probably no. Steamroll that person. You are doing them a favor.

Most people are waiting for someone to tell them what to do. Don’t keep them waiting. Get them to do things for you, and make them feel great about it. They’ll feel special. You’ll get free groceries. Everybody wins.

Your life should be a series of win-wins. You’ve got it like that.

Make people feel seen and appreciated. They’ll be glowing, and you’ll be watching them mow your lawn, butt-naked. Everybody wins.

(03:12): It's A-OK to Be Single!

You don’t need to be in a relationship to have sizzling, mind-melting sex strictly for purposes of catharsis.

No one wants your vulnerability unless they wanna hurt you without asking first. So work on yourself until you don’t care about anyone else.

Feelings last for 90 seconds unless you take them seriously. So stay calm and think of “Yakety Sax.”

Be generous and respectful. Don’t lie to people unless the truth would destroy them because they’re idiots.

Be a sexy Jesus saving innocent souls from getting to know the real you.

To be fully alive, you have to love everyone, which is the nicest way to not love anyone.

Remember, don’t get in a relationship. Get in a ship in the night and catch fish, not feelings.

(03:57): If You're Looking for Love...

If you’re looking for love, give up. It’s not gonna help you find it, but that’s really the best thing to do, ’cause no one likes neediness.

So give up; that way you win, coming and going. You’ll impress people with how little you care and eventually you’ll actually not care and then it won’t matter.

The most important thing is, you will not get into a relationship, which is good. They always end in bitter disappointment. You will not have to live up to expectations you’ve not been told about. You’ll not have to defend yourself for not being the person that person imagined that you were. which is confusing. You won’t have to be another character in someone else’s cinematic universe. You can just mind your own business like you were doing before.

And I would recommend, of course, doing yoga until you can suck yourself off, which will bring all kinds of happiness into your life, and meditation to annihilate your feelings.

(04:53): I Don't Want Enlightenment (excerpt)

If you just love everyone, you don’t really love anyone. You have to pick the truly great people, and you have to know how to find them, and you have to be one. And that means managing your time and resources.

You can’t get back your time. In some cases, you can’t get back the energy that you expend. It’s hard to remoralize yourself after you’ve been thoroughly demoralized, and you can protect yourself by ignoring people who are blatantly wasting your time.

Just ignore them. You can ignore almost everyone that is solicitous of your time. Most of them don’t need it, don’t really want it. And even if they needed it and wanted it, they would not deserve it, ’cause they are going to waste it or they are going to use it against you.

Ignore them, and if you want to be polite, acknowledge that you heard what they said, but ignore the content. You don’t have to respond. They’re wasting your time.

(05:54): How to Be On Top

I’ve been to the bottom and the top and I like the top better. I love being on top. I love to dominate. I love to feel powerful, and I like the view of the Hollywood sign.

Knowing how to be on top is an act of service. It’s like EMT training. Sometimes people fall apart and they want and need you to take control. So you should know how to be on top, even if you’re a paypig.

Know who you are, what you love, and what you do and don’t tolerate. When that’s established, you can change your mind as much as you want because you are the boss.

Be self-contained and self-amused. Know that you’ll never need any one particular other person to be happy and then laugh silently at your own jokes.

Keep your power. Be willing to walk away, and learn to be cool during chaos. When you can stay calm and survey the scene from the ledge of your highest intelligence, even when everything is going to hell, then you know you’re a grownup, and people will line up at your door to be dommed.

(06:53): Everything Is Simple With Sex

Americans are having less sex and making too many decisions. Our paralyzing monopoly of options makes us sick. Jean-Paul Sartre calls it the vertigo of possibility.

So take your power back. Schedule in some sizzling hot sex and pound it like you’re busting out of prison.

If you feel sick, broken, or boxed in, let go. Have some five-star sex and swing it like you’re demolishing an abandoned amusement park.

Modern life is hell. Our species is doomed. So celebrate, smash your names into the space-time continuum, and knock the boots like you’re breaking the lease.


(07:23): Say It With Sex

Fellas, if you dig a woman’s action, show her. With sex.

Loneliness is killing you and the solution is sizzling hot sex. Break free of the frustration of isolation. Get a workout with a sweaty, steamy night of five-star sex, and head home with the satisfaction of getting your swagger back.

There’s nothing like nailing somebody’s body to the center of the earth with your furious swollen manhood. So schedule some rough, smooth, soulful, passionate sex as soon as you find a woman who’s aching for it.

(07:50): Be Your Worst Self

Think of the worst thing about you. Identify your most loathsome, antisocial, embarrassing, cringe-inducing characteristic, and be that.

Don’t forgive yourself for your harmless peccadillos. Find your fatal flaw and lead with that. Be your worst self.

What do you really want? Not what you think other people want or what you think they want for you. What do you not want anyone to know that you want? Go get that first. Sounds like you really want it.

Then tell the world. Make your quest a legend of song and screen. Share your desires. You will get haters. You’ll be forced to shake them off.

You’re breaking the tacit prohibition on exercising the freedom that people around you don’t want to think that they have.

You will also be envied, loved, and free, a case study of the lessons most people don’t learn until right before they die. And after this fiery baptism of being your worst self, you can do anything else you want.

(08:52): In a Just World, You'd Be Screwed

In a just world, you’d be screwed. You could not survive that kind of exposure.

Think about it. You have lied, cheated, and withheld, purely out of selfishness, out of greed, or just because you could.

You are also courageous, compassionate, patient, present, and wise, but no one caress. Put your good qualities on one side. Put everything else there is to know about you on the other side. Which side do you think is going to interest the perverts, the mouth-breathing morons, and the haters of the general public?

It’s possible that the eternal judgment described in scripture is in fact just the end of our private lives. We are not ready for that. It’s gonna get here before we’re ready for it. For now, we need scapegoats.

The moral high ground is reserved for the self-deluded, massive, shameless, hypocrites and people who do not get out very much.

(09:52): If you're having trouble making friends as an adult, you may already have too many

Get out. Let them cry it out. They’re cry-bullies, both bullies and victims. The switches of social dynamics. Maybe they need to get humiliated. That’s what they respond to. It’s not worth your time. Get out.

(10:07): Internal Saturnalia Systems

You’ve got monsters and sexpots, geniuses, super villains, all kinds of ghouls and sadists and masochists and wizards and warlocks living inside of you, scheming and strategizing and fighting for control and trying to be heard.

You contain multitudes. They want different things for you. Ask them, “what do you want? What’s going on here?” It generally comes down to them trying to help you in their own way.

What worked in one situation, or what seemed to work, maybe when you were a child, is effectively self-sabotage now, ’cause the context has changed.

So figure out what they want.

Work things out with them. Start an orgy, with fireworks, excellent drugs, Massive Attack’s Mezzanine playing, and crazy amounts of debauched sex.

Leave them to it. Take a little break. See what happens when you walk away.

(11:07): Burn It Down, Kids!

Burn it all down.

Don’t get stuck in the option-weighing, decision-making part of this process. Do what you are gonna do anyway and backward-rationalize it after the fact. Backward-rationalize burning it all down.

Don’t get wrapped around the narcissism of small differences. If it were my job to stop a revolution from happening, I would find everyone with an incentive to rebel and convince them that they were all out to get each other. Don’t believe it. Come together and gain some power with your coalition that’s big and diverse enough to burn it all down.

There’s no way to solve climate change without a complete reconfiguration of how we think about abundance. Demolishing the incentive structures that make cul-de-sacs of confirmation bias profitable. Burn it all down, just to be on the safe side.

Don’t listen to me. I’m over 40. I live west of the 405. I’m not a good person. But do burn it down.

Do it in some way that I don’t have the imagination to come up with myself. I like surprises, and you need to burn it down. So burn it down, kids.

(12:07): Outro

Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes is the number one avant-garde personal development program in Los Angeles. We're talking sex, drugs, power, self-help, and Satanic Buddhism every first Wednesday of the month. 7:00 PM Pacific on KCHUNG, Los Angeles. KCHUNG radio.org. Medicated-Minutes.Com. I'm Emerson Dameron, producer, host, and wounded romantic hero. But the brightest star in our firmament is you. Levity saves lives.